An Open Letter

Dear The Internet

I do not want a larger penis. I do not want to hook up with hot babes in my area. I do not want cheap meds, nor larger breasts or care about deceased relatives in South Africa who have left me all their millions of dollars. And I am not a stud.

I am a female, female, and that equals no penis. And without said article of male genitalia, how can I possibly meet up with "hot chicks" and, as you so eloquently put it, "stick it in them"?

My breasts are not something I want bigger. They're big enough already, thank you very much, and a right bloody pain in the ass. What males find so fascinating about them, I'll never know.

Also, seeing as I am devoid of penis, I do not need Viagra. My only erectile dysfunction would be my lack of anything to erect. And I don't need uppers and downers to balance my psyche. Life is a downer enough, and the only uppers I need are a Master Sword and a Gerudo king to stab (or a missile launcher and Space Pirates, or a shotgun and parasite infested Spaniards, or a gladius and a roomful of Chattur'gha zombies to slaughter. Or just chocolate, whatever I can find first).

And yes, while I do actually have relatives in South Africa, I am in fairly regular contact with them, via a grandmother whose sister lives there, and I know for a fact that they aren't rich, and there is no way in hell they would ever leave me any money. And even if they did, I wouldn't want their right-wing, Nazi white supremest gold anyway.

So, if you would be so kind, could you stop sending such dreck into my inbox? I have no need for it, and it only makes you look like a spam dump for everything that is wrong with humanity.


Yours fondly,
gr33n_sl33ves


PS: What the hell is with those e-mails composed of what appears to be paragraphs out of random books, and then images about drugs or some other crap?

PPS: LEARN TO SPELL!!