Porn and Me

I do not get along very well with porn. As with most kids who grew up with the internet, accidentally discovered porn has been the basis for much mental scaring (goatse and meatspin, anyone?). But now that I am more mature* and better able to understand and process pornographic material, I find that porn is not so much scaring as downright ridiculous.

Part of why I find porn so inherently bad, no matter what medium it is presented in, is the fact that it's merely a form of instant gratification. Since most people watch or read porn for the whole sex aspect, they don't want to get bogged down by plots and logic. As such, if you were to take the sex out of porn, the stories would have no redeeming qualities. Well, unless you like reading or watching something bad, if only for the lulz. Which I do, actually, and that has lead to more than one instance where I've started watching what I assumed to be a B-movie, only to find out it's a big ol' porno...

(Actually, my brother and I will sometimes watch this Latin Lover show on the Spanish channel, turn the volume low, and dub in our own dialog for all the soap opera-y stuff that goes on between the sex. We always end up switching it to Star Trek when the people do start getting it on, because it's no fun dubbing without dialog :P )

The other reason why I can't take porn seriously (especially written porn) is the euphemisms. I mean, you can only say "penis," "vagina" and "cock" so many times before things start getting old. But when people truck out their most imaginative and flowery descriptions of genitalia, and what they do, hilarity ensues!

Much the same thing happens when I try to write porn myself; I run out of normal euphemisms and end up coming up with ones that are completely ridiculous ("the rippling pillar of his throbbing man microphone" always makes me laugh). Also, coming up with plots for a porn story is something I find both difficult and irrelevant. After all, since most people only read erotica for the sex, what does the story matter? So most of my porno story plans follow along these lines:

• Okay, gonna write a porno!
• Who's in it, what are they doing and where are they doing it?
• Person A and Person B, they're having sex (duh), and... they're doing it up against a building
• Inside or out?
• Let's be kinky and have it outside
• Okay, so why are A and B having sex outside and up against a building?
• Weeeelllll.... A could be some sort of.... nympho who gets off on doing it in public...?
• And B just happened to be the first person A spotted!
• Okay, but why would B just randomly have public sex with a stranger?
• B was horny? Or maybe B was heartbroken or depressed or something, and sex is B's means of self-therapy?
• I see, but what would make B so depressed/heartbroken that they'd go out of their way to have meaningless sex?
• I don't know, I childhood tragedy? Oh! No, B's true love died in a horrible accident, and the only way B feels alive again is by doing people who resemble the true love!
• What was the true love like, then?
• Well, they'd be... actually, screw the sex, I want to write about B and their true love!
• Also, bad pun, no biscuit!

Thus sidetracking incurs, and the sex is forgotten. But if I do manage to work out some sort of quick plot that leads to sex, as I said before, I end up laughing too hard at euphemisms to write anything.

To date, I've only managed to complete one sex-centric story, and I personally find it kind of dumb because it has no real purpose. Well, other than the obvious. The only reason I wrote it was because it was demanded of me, and threats (even half-hearted, joking ones) are good at getting rid of procrastination :P

So, in conclusion, I can't take porn seriously, but if you can, then good for you XD

*this, of course, is debatable.